Worry Less: Part 1
STAYING IN THE PRESENT and LOVING IT
Last year, I found myself in a therapists office. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating well. I was crying a lot. At times, I felt out of control. It was hard to get going some days. My relationships were taking a hit. In short, I was a wreck. It felt a little bit like I was unraveling. I had a lot going on, and I had let my anxieties take over. One of my children had come out, then came out as non-binary. Two of my children were dealing with serious depression. Another, was struggling with anxiety again. My husband had fallen during a rock climbing trip, and shattered his knee and had emergency reconstructive knee surgery and needed a lot of care. This is not to mention the pandemic, minor earthquakes and political unrest that was on my mind. We found out we needed a new roof, I was passing a kidney stone, and trying to help the kids with home school. (Should I keep going?? I don’t know anyone who was immune to last year’s craziness.) I had a lot to worry about. I had a lot of legitimate concerns about what was going to happen, and I was letting myself get caught up in them. Luckily, the therapist was ready with a hard-hitting assessment of what was going on, and some advice about what I could do. This is what she said:
Whether you are stuck in the past, or letting yourself be anxious about something that hasn’t happened yet, you’re gone. You cannot be present and worry at the same time. Worrying about the future takes you away from right now. But right now, here in the present, is where you can do the most good. It’s where you can affect the most change. It is where your family needs you to be. It’s also where you deserve to be for yourself: present in the right now.
As a visual person, she gave me some visual imagery I could use to help me stay present. She asked me to imagine that as I lived my life, I was writing down my worries in a book. There would be a chapter for each child for sure. My job would have a chapter too. She suggested that right now I was holding the book of worries out in front of me, and letting it distract me from everything else, constantly going over them, always in a panic. She said that I could close the book and stick it in my back pocket. I would be taking my worries with me wherever I went, they weren’t going away, but I could choose to not focus on them in any given situation. I could say to my worries, “I can’t focus on you right now. I’ll take you with me, but you are distracting me from what’s happening right now.” And then tuck them away. It was a practice in mindfulness; to be aware of when the worry book was coming out, and then take a breath and gently tuck the book away, back where it belonged. She said it would take time to learn how to deal with anxiety and stress and worry less.
When you are in recovery, a common mantra is to take, “one day at a time.” There’s nothing gained by worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow. Addiction (or physical recovery, or mental recovery), has a fight that must be fought TODAY. And to win the fight today, you must be fully present in what’s happening. Tomorrow will be a new fight, and you will fight it tomorrow. The focus is on winning whatever battle is in today. The right now. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that I share and use in my own life all of the time:
This is consistent with what Jesus taught us:
“Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”
-Matthew 6:34 / 3Nephi 13:34 / D&C 84:84
Don’t worry about tomorrow, Jesus is saying. Tomorrow will bring it’s own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for you today. He asks his disciples, “which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? (Matthew 6:27)" as if to say that worrying about tomorrow has no power, it doesn’t make anything bigger or smaller, worrying cannot affect change. Tomorrow’s troubles will still happen, whether we worry about them or not.
Living in the present is not just a popular phrase, it’s a very recognized and extremely evidence-based lifestyle approach. Staying present, or mindfulness, means that we are aware and mindful of what we are doing, and what is happening around us, at this very moment. We are focused, instead of distracted. We are peaceful, instead of stressed. We are attentive, instead of wandering. I have found, that it is the key to staying healthy and happy. It keeps you grounded and connected and free. Yes, free. There is a real freedom in letting go of worrying.
Next week, I’ll talk about worrying versus faith and how faith can help you worry less. This week, I want to briefly touch on a few of the things I use in my daily life to stay present. I hope these will help someone, but the truth is that you have to find the things that keep you present and I think they are slightly different for everyone.
MEDITATION. I use an app called, “Simple Habit” and I love it. I also use the meditations on Peloton, or I just sit and breathe and relax. I use box breathing, or counting my breaths because I love numbers. It works for me, for some it makes them more anxious. There are a ton of breathing techniques out there. Find one! There’s an incredible amount of science backing the benefits of meditation. My favorite book on meditation is called, “Natural Meditation.” It’s excellent.
PRAYER. I get on my knees in the morning and I ask for help, and receive direction. I let God know how I am doing and what I am feeling. I sit and breathe and listen when I am done. Sometimes, my entire day is a prayer that I constantly come back to. At night, I pray in bed, finishing up my day. Prayer is my first thought and my last thought. When I wake in the night, I pray. When I’m stressed, I pray. When my kids are driving me crazy, I pray. You get it. Again, tons of research on the benefits of praying.
DAILY EXERCISE. I exercise everyday for an hour. I run, I bike, I hike, I yoga, I weight train, I walk…it keeps me sane, and bonus - healthy!
GRATITUDE. There is a quote that goes something like this, “someone is praying for what you are taking for granted.” I try to remember that as I go about my day. My daughter and I spent 10 days in rural Honduras and the people there are wonderful and happy and beautiful and have nothing. Nothing. I try not to complain or whine, my life is pretty comfortable all things considering.
STAY PRESENT. This is a skill I am constantly working on. For me, it means that I starve my distractions and feed my focus. When I am doing something (anything) I try to focus on what I am doing. When I am talking to someone, I put my phone away, and try to stay focused on the conversation. No matter what I am doing, I try to give it my 100% focus. I try to notice things and stay aware. This is hard for me because I have ADD, but as I work at it, I feel like it’s something I am getting better at. I’m less reactive.
YOGA. I’ve been practicing yoga for about 22 years now. It helps me feel grounded and secure. It helps my mind and body and spirit connect and work together.
SAY NO. Yep. If it isn’t raising my spiritual bar and/or my bank account (I stole this saying from Robin Arzon) then I say no to it. Prioritize and then say no.
