Forgiveness
In the last days of his life, the Savior reminds his disciples of the need to forgive. He knew that their road would be difficult after he died. He knew of the trials and hardships they were about to face, but he also knew that they would need a strong spirit of forgiveness in order to feel him near. “Forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25-26). I always took courage from the stories in the scriptures of incredible forgiveness. One of my favorites is of Stephen, known by many as the first martyr of Christianity. Stephen was called by the disciples as a deacon, chosen to help feed the widows and take care of the poor, but he does much more than that. He performed miracles among the people. When he is accused of blasphemy and put on trial, Stephen gives the judges a sermon illustrating how the Israelites in the Old Testament could not see past their own stubbornness and ended up turning away from God and rebelling against the spirit. Then he accuses them of doing the same. At that moment, Stephen looks up to see God sitting on his throne and Jesus on his right hand. They are with him, giving him strength for what is about to happen. The people take him out of the city and stone him to death. Just before he dies, the rocks still being thrown, Stephen kneels down and cries out, “Lord lay not this sin to their charge” (Acts 7:60).
He must have heard the story of Jesus’ crucifixion and how he asked the Father forgiveness for his tormentors just before death, “for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). I was finding that when someone did not know the repercussions of what they had done to me, it was infinitely harder to forgive. I would ask for the Savior’s help in forgiving those who had wronged me, but for many years, I didn’t truly want it. Anger and pain were old friends that I had a hard time parting with. Of course, the power of the Savior was stronger than my anger and pain, I just had to let it in.
I was on the phone with a friend as an adult, still struggling to forgive after so many years, when she started talking about the close relationship she had with her mother. I listened, and laughed with her, but made up an excuse and told her that I had to go when her story was over. I sunk down to the ground and started crying. I wanted and needed a mother. When would this pain leave me? When could I truly move on? When would I be able to forgive? Would I ever really get over being abandoned? Through my tears I began to pray, I begged and pleaded for help. I was ready to give up the old emotions for new ones.
There have been many times in my life when my answers to prayers came through scriptures. My husband and I had a Bishop in our married student ward that told us that every question in life has an answer in the scriptures. I got out my scriptures with a prayer in my heart that day. I opened the scriptures and they fell to 1 John 4.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another…If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us…And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him…There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, that he who loveth God love his brother also.
The answer from Heavenly Father was clear. It was time for love. The only way for me to truly heal and become the person Heavenly Father needed me to be, was going to be through turning any hate I had, into love. A thought came to my mind to pray to love those I was having trouble forgiving. Pray for their well-being. Pray for what I thought they needed. Pray for their healing. I did not have the humility that day to do it. It took me a while. There were times that I thought it was too much to ask and argued with God about it. Is it even healthy to pray to love someone who has abused you? To pray for good things in their life? What about me? What about my feelings?
Eventually, I had to put my trust in the prompting I received. Besides, I had tried everything else and nothing had ever worked. I was still angry. I was still in pain. I asked for the Savior’s help as I walked into my closet one morning and got down on my knees. I went through their names, listing them out, all of the people who had ever hurt me. Help me to love, I prayed, help me to forgive, help me to heal. And then my new prayer; help them to love, help them to forgive, help them to heal. My prayer was very similar to the metta (also known as loving-kindness) meditation I learned in yoga teacher training.
An interesting thing happens when we stop focusing on our own stories, and we choose to see the bigger picture in life. Our hearts open to charity, the pure love of Christ. We start to see the pain and suffering of others, and wish it to cease. Even those who have wronged us in tremendous ways; those who have changed the course of our lives and caused us pain. Through the Savior’s help, I no longer took what they did to me personally. I was able let go of my own story to see a bigger picture of pain in their lives. This is what the Savior teaches us through his life. He always sought to lift and bless and love, even those who tortured him.
I am estranged from many members of my family. It has been painful, but necessary when family members cannot respect me and the boundaries that I have for my own mental and spiritual health. It is terrible what abuse does to families. When the old feelings come up of anger or pain, I still say that prayer of love, forgiveness and healing, but the feelings come up much less now. It is through charity, the pure love of Christ, that I was finally made whole. It is only using love as a conduit that we can ever truly forgive. Jesus forgave those who were in the act of killing him, because of his infinite love for each of them. He saw their pain and felt for them, even when he was in terrible pain himself. Forgiveness for every offense is not only possible, it is a commandment that we can keep with the Savior’s help.
HOW TO FORGIVE:
Let it go. Give a place for the anger you feel, and then let it go. This can take time, but anger and fear are the opposites of love and forgiveness. Learning to let anger go, is really the first step in learning how to forgive.
Practice the metta meditation/prayer. Pray for help: help me to love, help me to forgive, help me to heal. Then pray for those who you need to forgive: help them to love, help them to forgive, help them to heal. Think about their story, their pain, their experience. Start to practice empathy and understanding, even for those who have done terrible things. This will expand your view and your heart at the same time.
Love. Let the hate and anger be replaced with love. There is no place in your life or your heart for hate and anger. If you research this truth, you will find that these things affect every aspect of your life, in major ways. To love yourself and take care of yourself, you have to let go and forgive.
Turn to the Savior for help in forgiving. He is there for you and wants to help you in this process. Ask for His help as often as you need it.
Once you have taught yourself how to forgive the big things, it is a lot easier to repeat the process in the small things. If you have a family, you know how much forgiveness is needed in families. We often hurt each other! Forgiveness can be learned. Over time, you can learn to forgive quickly and resolve problems with the people around you in a way that helps everyone.
