Marriage and Rock Climbing

My husband and I have been climbing a lot. We learned when we were young, almost 30 years ago! We climbed a lot when we were first married. We had five years before we had kids and we climbed, biked, hiked, and camped all the time. And then the kids came. And the jobs. And the busy schedules. And the houses that needed fixing and looking after. And health problems. We tried to climb, but we usually made it up maybe once or twice a year during those busy times. Then a few years ago, we took it up again and starting going whenever we could. It’s the last sport we can do together and we both love it.

If you know me, you know that I’m fiercely competitive (which is funny because I’m not really exceptional at anything, but hey I try). So I really want to be a better climber. I’ve been working on my pull-ups, and doing a lot of shoulder, chest, and back work lately. But it dawned on me the other day during a tough climb that I cannot get any better without my husband as my climbing partner. Climbing is a joint effort. We lead and belay together. We work on new climbs and new techniques together. And this month as we get ready to celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary, I am reminded that marriage is a lot like rock climbing.

Climbing is fun, but difficult. I haven’t reached the top of the climb yet, I’m right in the thick of it looking for hand holds and grabbing on for dear life, getting to the top one grip at a time. Our climb right now is full of teenagers who talk back, dirty rooms, endless rides in the car to anywhere and everywhere, a naughty but lovable dog who makes horrible messes, surgeries, doctor appointments, navigating what it’s like to be an LGBT teen, letting go of our adult child, and falling into bed exhausted at the end of long days. There are times that we fall and lose a lot of ground and hang on the rope for a minute, depending on the strength of the other person in the marriage. “Hold me,” we yell down from the rock when we want to take a break from climbing and rest on the rope for a minute. So there we are, in the tricky situations that life presents us, depending on the other person. “Hold me,” we might say, “you be the strong one for just a minute.”

We started the climb like everyone else, looking up at the rock feeling ready for the challenge. We had our new gear and our new rope and we were excited to get on with life. It was basecamp. With a ton of energy, and a lot of naivete we tied the rope and locked in. The first five years we were just getting started. It was a lot of fun! It wasn’t terribly difficult, but the grade was easy. Adjustments were made and we learned a lot about each other and our strengths and weaknesses. It was good climbing, and the weather was perfect. Then the mountain got a lot tougher. That next pitch was a lot more difficult. We no longer had the adrenaline of starting something new and exciting. The clouds rolled in, our muscles started to yell, our hands were tired, and our fingers started to bleed. It was tougher climbing than we were prepared for. But we kept on. With a ton of effort and a lot of love, we got through the early childhood years (AKA the diaper years), the brain tumor years, the poor years, the argument years, the years when we watched a lot of our friends divorce. We got our first home, and our first car, and we both worked a lot to make that happen. Those climbing pitches were fun but required an amazing amount of effort and strength, and looking back we feel pretty accomplished having completed them.

The pitches we are on right now are pretty exhilarating! We’re up a lot higher. Our vantage point has changed and we can see how far we have come, and we’ve come pretty far. And oh my the view. It’s spectacular. We can tell now that the top is going to be simply incredible, we just have to make it there. Together. And really that’s the great news about marriage. A lot of couples go through tough times and end up happier on the other end of those tough times. Each pitch is different, and each pitch is worth it, getting you closer to your goals.

Even though I haven’t always like to admit this, we need each other. If marriage is truly like rock climbing, you need strength, good communication, dependence on the other person, a healthy appreciation of the dangers around you, and nerves of steel to truly succeed. What an adventure.